Give Your Audience More Info!
On 8th October, 2017, The Project published an article about how the Victorian Government is about to change rental laws to allow include pets in rental properties. That article is here (unless it gets moved).
Obviously I have a few opinions regarding the article. Before I get into it, I wanna tip my hat at a couple of things that I like:
'Pets allowed under new rental laws' is bang on for their target demo: anyone with a pet, or anyone thinking about getting one, or anyone who is worried about moving house thanks to the pet they have or will have.
The writer has used a fun and light voice - which The Project is known for. It's definitely not dry and this style helps the reader stay engaged.
I'm not a huge fan of:
The piece is VERY skim-able. If you've read my stuff before, you would know that my number one rule is to stop people from tuning out (or skimming). I had to read it three times before I actually took everything in - I got bored!
Take another read if you need to. The writer has tried to make a joke in the third paragraph and it's horrendous. Actually, I need to rephrase - a joke needs to be funny. The writer has made a lame statement. You can be fun but don't be funny. Actually, I would recommend ditching most of that paragraph.
The Content (or lack of):
After reading the article, you may think that it's the only reform. But you're wrong. There are SIX changes. 1 in 4 Australians rent and you're only giving them a sixth of the information they want/need?!
Ok, yes, I like how The Project used pets as click-bait, but c'mon, don't be lazy!
This is supposed to be a news outlet! You don't have to go into detail but you can tell your reader everything.
Here's what I would do.
Remove the third and fourth paragraphs and instead write:
In addition to making it easier for renters to keep pets, the Victorian Government has made a few more changes.
Renting will become more secure: meaning that a landlord can't kick you out without a valid and truthful reason.
Tenants will have more rights: This includes a landlord and agent blacklist so tenants can identify dodgy people
Bond will be returned faster: Unless there's a dispute, putting an end to your property manager finally getting around to sending you paperwork,
Rent increases will be slowed: Rent could be increased every 6 months. That will be changed to every 12 months. Rent bidding will also be stopped (where agents encourage you to pay more per week).
You'll be able to make modifications: Once the reforms kick in you'll be able to hang things on the wall and make minor modifications provided they return the house back to how it was before they moved in.
Victorian Premier, Daniel Andrews, says the reforms will make renting fairer for renters when they come into effect in 2018.
Notice how I have used bold text and just a simple explanation? I have removed the bullshit and given you more info.